Buffy Season 7 Breadbox Edition
by netrat
Summary: FINALLY UPDATED AND COMPLETE! Buffy Season 7 in a nutshell ... now with an extra helping of Evil(s), pep talks, and Spike shirtless.
1. Default Chapter

**Buffy Season 7 – Breadbox Edition **

_Disclaimer: Don't own nothing, not even those Buffy novels they always advertise during the commercial breaks. "Breadbox Edition" title is still property of Evadne. I don't wish to insult Joss Whedon or anyone, just to entertain._

_Thanks to my wonderful reviewers for their enormously nice feedback! Since several people asked me to write a breadbox edition for season 7, I thought I'd give it a try ... but there's a little problem: I've only seen half of it since it's airing a lot later in my country than in the English-speaking world. Therefore, I'm doing the first five episodes for this chapter, with the rest to come as soon as I get the chance to see it. Everything in here is based on my current state of knowledge, with a few guesses and spoilers thrown in for good measure – for example, I don't know whether the Principal's evil or not, and I've only _heard_ that the shapeshifting being is the First Evil._

_I'd love to get as much as a response for this one as for the last ones. Thanks also to everyone who reviewed X2: Breadbox Edition (and liked the Spike reference :-))_

Lessons: 

We open with ... a beautiful countryside.

Audience:

*attacking the remote control* Aaargh! Buffy's last season is starting

and all I'm getting is _Father Ted_ re-runs! ... Oh. This _is_ Buffy.

Giles is riding a horse. To his credit, he manages to look a lot more like William Shatner, than Patrick Stewart.

Willow:

Hello Giles. I'm worried. The other witches here are afraid of me just because

I tried to destroy the world, have more power than all of them combined, and am still 

using it in an irresponsible manner just to please myself.

Willow is channeling flowers from Paraguay, Big Macs from Piccadilly Circus, and Britney Spears from a concert stage. Or maybe that last part was Sabrina The Teenage Witch. Anyway, Giles correctly identifies the flower.

Audience:

Being a Watcher must be really, really boring.

Giles and Willow have a nice Exposition!talk about the previous season.

Giles:

In any case, magic is not an addiction. Who would say something stupid like that?

Joss Whedon:

*cough cough*

Willow has a Foreshadowing!talk with the Hellmouth.

Willow:

From beneath you, I devour!

Giles:

The gang will need help, so I'm sending them a recovering psychopath who tried to kill them all, instead of going myself.

Meanwhile, in Sunnydale ...

Authorities:

Hello, there! We've decided to re-build the high school whose last principal was eaten by a giant

demon-snake in front of the whole graduation class, many students of which survived to tell the tale!

Why, there's no better place for our children!

Audience:

And I thought Mayor Wilkins was bad for the town.

Dawn:

I'm worried about fitting in at high school. What if the others think I'm strange?

Audience:

Let's see ... you're a mystic ray of energy, your sister died twice and clawed her way 

out of the grave, her best friends are either demons or have attempted to destroy the

 world, or both ... Sounds like a perfectly ordinary Sunnydale kid to me.

Within half an hour after entering the school, Dawn has declared herself a freak coming from a freakish family, been attacked by zombie students, and fallen down a hole into the cellar where they live.

Joss Whedon:

*rubbing his hands* See? What's the motto of this series?

Audience:

People will be miserable! Happiness is the bane of entertainment! Torture them! Maim them!

Joss Whedon:

Just checking.

The Principal:

Am I evil? Or am I just a hapless innocent with a really, really

bad hand for career choices? I hope the suspense is killing you!

Audience:

Which would kind of seem to answer the question.

Other Audience Members:

Let's see ... you think that Buffy is Dawn's mother even though you've read her file,

and you've hired a college dropout with very bad people skills and nutcase friends

whom she repeatedly tried to kill to counsel troubled children. Until further notice, our money is on "hapless idiot".

Dawn meets Young!Xander and Young!Willow in the basement and gets attacked by zombie students. She calls Buffy for help, who comes to the rescue only to meet, in the basement, ...

Spike Fans:

Oooooh, I never thought bleached hair with roots could be so sexy!

Nitpickers:

Should his hair really grow like that? His body is dead!

Spike:

Ene mene mu, und raus bist du! Mistress Buffy, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?

Buffy:

Um ... It was nice seeing you. *backs away*

Buffy, with a hint from Spike, figures out the zombie students' origin and gets Xander to destroy their talisman. The Principal, for really not very good reasons, promptly hires her as a counselor. We cut to Spike in the basement, holding conversations with the First Evil:

First Evil:

(_as Warren_) I hate women! Robots are so much more fun!

(_as Glory_) Well, I really can't say anything about that, since my sexual identity is somewhat

 muddled, to say the least ... But women do have nice-tasting brains, I give them that. Whereas 

male bodies tend to fall in love with the Slayer ... Yuck.

Spike:

Hey! Cowering right here!

First Evil (continuing):

(_as Adam_) Boy, am I boring! It says a lot if your tagline is gibberish like "All running according to parameter."

(_as Warren_) Okay, changed my mind. Robots aren't more fun.

(_as The Mayor_) Spike, I don't know why I'm talking to you since you never met me and probably wouldn't 

know who I am ... Still, the fans like me.

(_as Dru_) They like me better! Which is why I crossed over to "Angel", nyah-nyah!

(_as Someone Looking Like A Zombie Dictator, Who Is Probably The _Master) Where you promptly 

got killed, so nyah-nyah!

(_as Dru_) You're meeeeaaan! Daddy, get them to shut up!

(_as Angel_) Sorry, can't, got my contract with another network! *vanishes*

(_as Angel_) *pops up again* Besides, in case you don't remember, I was the one to kill you. Nyah-nyah!

Spike:

Shut up, the lot of you! I got a headache!

First Evil:

(_as Buffy_) Here, take an aspir- Oh. Wait. *strikes pose* It's all about power.

The next episode title, _Beneath You_, sounds particularly promising to some ... 

Spike Fans:

We like Spike! We like Spike!

Rest of the Audience:

Isn't that a presidential election slogan or something?

This week's damsel in distress, Nancy, is walking her dog. Alone. At Night. In Sunnydale. Somehow this sentence seems very wrong ...

Ronnie:

[insert noise of a dog being splashed here]

Nancy:

Waaah! You'd think it's actually dangerous, walking alone at night in Sunnydale!

A shadowy figure approaches her ...

Audience:

Oh. Just Xander.

Xander:

Fair Lady, wisheth thou to cometh to my palace? My white horse threw a shoe, so we'll have to go on foot ...

He takes her to Buffy's house. Spike soon makes an entrance.

Spike Fans in The Audience:

If there's anything to be learned from Boring Season Four, it's that you shouldn't make Spike dress stupidly.

Nancy:

I'm lucky to have met such nice people! Why, this girl Buffy keeps such pretty knives in her living room!

Spike and Buffy go investigate the splashed dog, but without much of a result.

Spike:

I have changed.

Buffy:

I know, but for better or worse?

Audience:

Uh, starting from Murderous Soulless Molesting Slayer-Killing People-With-Railroad-Spikes-Torturing

Vampire, pretty much anything would have to be a step upwards, wouldn't it?

Meanwhile, Nancy and Xander are at Nancy's house.

Xander:

I'm really attracted to this girl.

Joss Whedon:

What's the motto, children? That's right! Torture them! Make them miserable! 

Muahaha ... Excuse me, I got carried away.

They get attacked by a demon and, though some spectacularly convenient scripting, find that it is Nancy's boyfriend who was transformed by Anya. They meet her at the Bronze and tell her to reverse the spell.

Audience:

Good thing that there don't seem to be more than two vengeance demons in town. And should

 we bother to mention that this exact plot device was borrowed from the episode where Hallie

 trapped them all in Buffy's house?

Joss Whedon:

Um ... Look, there's Spike! *takes a deep breath as the audience is distracted* That was a close one.

Nancy:

I'm lucky to have met such nice people! Wondering why that Spike guy refers to 

himself and that Anya girl as "demons" ... oh well, nothing important probably.

Sparks fly. And punches. And Spike, thrown across the room by Anya.

Anya Fans In The Audience:

Girl Power! Uh ... Vengeance Demon Power! Go Demon!

Nancy:

*gasps* This Anya woman slept with both Spike and Xander, and Buffy slept with Spike! 

These people are ... sex-maniacs! *runs off scared*

To cut a long story short, Anya reverses the spell and James Marsters [Spike] finally gets some good lines to show off his acting skills.

Buffy:

I'm looking for my vampire ex-boyfriend ... Let's start with the church!

Audience:

Somehow, this sentence seems very wrong, too.

Spike:

[insert own mad raving here; the gist is: "I went and got my soul back just to be worthy of Buffy, and now 

I'm going insane and being haunted by all the horrible things I've ever done, and I'm embracing 

a crucifix and my skin is starting to smoke]

Audience:

Wow. There's a cliffhanger.

Next week, **Same Time Same Place** ...

Buffy and the Gang are standing on the airport with a "Welcome back, Willow" sign.

Spike Fans:

What the – You mean she left him in the church like that? Hello-oh! There's an unresolved plot thread over here!

Willow arrives, but no-one sees her. They call Giles and he's upset, but apparently not upset enough to call back when Willow tries to contact him from Buffy's house. Willow talks a bit to Anya:

Anya:

How does being a recovering psychopath feel?

Willow:  
Oh, you know, as usual. How's the maiming and torturing business going?

Anya:

Can't complain.

Audience:

Well, it's nice to see them bonding ... I think ...

Willow finds a skinned body and goes to talk to Spike. So do Buffy and Xander, but they still can't see each other. Willow finds out that the body was skinned by a demon called Gnarl and goes to visit him in his cave. Buffy, Xander, and Dawn go there too.

Buffy:  
I'm so worried that I even considered leaving town so that my sister wouldn't attend an evil high school. Hey

Dawn, how about visiting a creepy evil demon in his cave?

To cut a long story short, the demon attacks Willow and Dawn and eventually gets killed by Buffy. The gang finally reunites.

Buffy:

Hi Willow. I thought you had skinned the boy. Since you didn't, I'm forgiving you 

for everything and trusting you implicitly.

Xander:

Me too.

Spike:

Hey! I didn't skin the boy either! _And_ I never tried to destroy the world. What about me?

Xander:

Shut up. You're an evil demon with no soul.

Buffy:

Uh ... Look, there's ... a girl! Looking lonely! And desperate for company!

Xander is immediately distracted.

Audience:

If Spike is an evil demon, how exactly would you characterize your ex-fiancee, then?

Xander is too busy making gooey-eyes to anwer. By the time he catches himself, it's ...

... time for the next episode, **Help**:

John Lennon:

Help, I need somebody! Help, but not just anybody!

Beatles Fans in the Audience:

Hey, I know how this is going! There will be this girl who is going to be sacrificed, and an evil cult, 

and a gaudy ring, and then they're chasing Ringo to the restaurant and they're playing cards

 in Buckingham Palace, and then they all end up splashing in the sea ...

Writer:

*struggling to keep up* Slow down. Okay, got that. Girl to be sacrificed. Evil cult. Antiques. Chasing Ringo ... that's quite enough 

for one episode. Thanks for the ideas. Uh. I mean, you're quite good at guessing, aren't you?

Damsel in Distress:

Hi, I'm Cassie. As in Cassandra the Prophetess. I think I'm going to die within the week.

Buffy:

Well, you do go to Sunnydale High School.

Cassie:

I won't kill myself, and neither my alcoholic father nor my boyfriend will have anything to do with it.

Buffy still goes to visit the father and boyfriend, since 45 minutes can be pretty long to fill.

Writer:

I should have included Ringo. Or at least the Buckingham Palace scene.

Buffy saves Cassandra from the evil cult, but in a truly shocking ending, Cassie dies nonetheless. (I can't find many sarcastic things to say about that, so on to ...

**... Selfless**):

Xander:

I'm sure Anya is being all nice and moral and NOT KILLING ANYONE RIGHT NOW!

Buffy:

You had to say that, didn't you?

Suddenly, the scene switches to "Bad Girls" and Faith washing her clothes in the sink. Um ... I mean Anya is washing her hands, somehow missing a bloodstain that covers half her hand so that Willow can notice it later.

Anya (oustside the frat house):

Hello, Willow. How do you like my bright white coat that is not bloody at all after 

I've just killed twelve men? 

Willow finds Anya's victims, gets some exposition by a convenient witness, and briefly turns into Dark Willow.

Audience:

Yes, I can see why Giles sent her back.

Willow (on the phone):

Hello, Buffy. You might want to go and hunt a big-ass spider demon I just met.

I could have killed it, but why spoil your fun?

Buffy:

Who summoned it?

Willow:

Uh ... I _wish_ I knew, so I could wreak _vengeance_ on them. I don't have, like,

_any a_idea ...

Buffy and Xander hunt the spider demon.

Audience:

First lesson. Don't touch the slimy demonic stuff.

Xander:

Yuck! I got slimy demonic stuff on my hands!

Audience:

Second lesson: Don't stand under the spider demon's tree.

Xander:

Aaaah! The spider demon jumped down and attacked me!

Audience:

*sigh* 

Buffy finally kills the demon. They head back home and meet Willow, who tells them about Anya.

Buffy:

Let's kill her.

Xander:

What? She's your friend!

Audience:

"Normal Again", anyone? Or "Becoming, 2"? For that matter, _Faith_ was something of a friend once.

Buffy:

She's a demon and chose to do evil things.

Audience:

So's Angel, and you still fret about having killed him.

Other Audience Members:

And Willow wasn't very human when she tried to destroy the world.

Buffy:

*experiencing brain overload* Humans. Good. Can't kill. Except Faith. Demons. Bad. Can shag. 

Can kill. Angel. Love Interest. Needs to be kept alive for spin-off. Warning. This system is not compatible with logic.

We cut to Faith attacking Anya with a huge sword ... Uh. Sorry. We cut to Buffy, wearing _someone else's_ trademark black leather pants and attacking Anya with a huge sword.

Audience:

Go, girl! If only so that Xander will shut up about feeling sorry for her!

Buffy kills Anya. Then her healing factor kicks in and the bullet drops from her forehead ... Uh. Sorry. Wolverine's not in this one. Anyway, Anya still lives, D'Hoffryn shows up and Anya takes back her wish to kill the frat boys.

D'Hoffryn:

I'm going from mildly amusing to creepy psychopath in a split second. Hey, how many vengeance demons 

does it take to make a Buffy The Vampire Slayer episode?

Halfrek:

Uh, two?

She disappears screaming in a flash of light.

D'Hoffryn:

Wrong, one. You know how tight out budget is. And Anya got more fans, sorry, Hallie, dear. By the way:

From beneath you, ...

All:

... I devour! We know the drill! Just tell us what it f***ing means already!

All's well again (well, not for Halfrek, but who cares about soulless demons?) and Anya and Xander have a tender moment outside.

Anya:

[Angst angst angst]

Audience:

Not her, too. I was just getting over season six.

Xander:

[Comfort comfort comfort]

Anya Fans:

You know, if you'd been half as understanding _on your wedding day_ –

**Coming next:**

**Him, Conversations With Dead People, ...**

Love it? Hate it? R&R!


	2. Part 2 of 2

**Buffy Season 7 – Breadbox Edition **

_Disclaimer: Still don't own nothing, and have no intention to buy any of those Buffy novels."Breadbox Edition" title is still property of Evadne. I don't wish Joss Whedon any harm. Hope he doesn't either ... I mean it._

_Okay, here's the next and final part of my ongoing Buffy Season 7 Breadbox Edition, starting with **Him**:_

Joss Whedon arrives at the set just in time for the shooting of this week's episode, only to find most of his cast surrounding a prone figure on the ground.

Joss Whedon:

Nick! What _is_ going on here?

Nicholas Brendon [Xander Harris]:

Don't know – we just started shooting and all of a sudden, the girls stampeded [_the guy who plays R. J., don't know his name_].

Joss Whedon:

Ah. I see.

He raises his hands. Suddenly his eyes and hair turn black and all the actresses are thrown backwards, revealing a rather ruffled Guy-Who-Plays-R.-J.

Joss Whedon:

Told you to be careful when you put that football jacket on.

A few embarrassed apologies later, we start with the real story ...

Buffy:

I have a good idea. How about getting Spike to move in with Xander? Apart from the fact 

that I don't care about Spike and Xander hates him, this really makes perfect sense.

Audience:

Then again, he could just move in with Buffy. Everybody else already has.

Dawn:

Hello, and welcome to this season's Dawn-centered episode. Yes, I know what you're thinking: _Get on_

_ with it already so we can return to the story arc!_ Or is it: _Please don't let them make a sequel_

_ called Dawnie the Vampire Slayer please please please?_

Writer:

Girl, think you can finish before the first commercial?

Dawn:

Oh. Sorry. Anyway, I'M SURE I WOULD NOT BEHAVE

IN ANY WAY STUPIDLY SHOULD I EVER FALL IN LOVE!

Audience:

This ironic foreshadowing thingie is getting really old.

Dawn falls under a love spell. Dawn embarasses herself. Dawn embarasses herself some more. Hey, what do you expect?

Audience:

I have a theory. Maybe Buffy and Dawn could afford moving to a non-evil town if they cut back 

on clothes expenditure. I mean, how many jackets do two girls need?

Buffy and friends are at the Bronze. We see Faith dancing wildly with R. J. ... Oh. Sorry. It's Dawn dressed up as Faith, hair and all. 

Buffy:

Who is the girl wearing my sister's clothes, having my sister's figure and haircut,

 and dancing with my sister's crush?

Audience:

I was going to comment on the fact that you don't recognise her, but with the three or so different haircuts 

you had in this episode, I had trouble recognising you, too. Add hairdressing expenditure to the list.

Buffy:

Gasp! It's my sister! Dawn, how could you? Visiting man-eating demons in their

 caves is one thing, but dancing with BOYS ... that's ... that's DANGEROUS!

Audience:

Hey, at least he's alive. More than you can say for any of your lovers.

The Sole Riley Fan in The Audience:

What about Riley?

Rest of The Audience:

Well, at least he's alive and not boring other people to death, then.

To cut a long story short, R. J.'s jacket comes equipped with a love spell which somehow almost solely affects the main cast. Promptly, the girls make up wacky schemes to prove their love for R. J.

Willow:

I'm going to use magic in an irresponsible manner!

Audience:

Really. Haven't seen that before. The spell surely made her go over the edge. *cough cough*

Buffy:

I'm going to kill - *strikes pose* - A HUMAN BEING!

Audience:

Really. How original and totally out of character. *cough some more*

Anya:

I'm going to use my Vengeance Demon powers!

Writer:

Uh, sorry, you don't have them. You're human now. I think.

Anya:

Does that mean I have a soul?

Writer:

Sure, comes with the package. Presumably. Or else Buffy'd probably kill you. *goes off muttering

 about how nice it all was in season 1 with the good and bad guys clearly defined*

Anya:

Okay, then I'll rob a bank.

Audience:

Between Anya, the demon in "Flooded", and the Troika, bankers in Sunnydale sure are a brave lot.

Xander and Spike visit R. J.'s brother. It's not very clear why, but since Spike is back to proper black villain clothing, who cares?

Brother:

... and I'm so glad he became a manly football player instead of a pansy poet.

William the Bloody is standing right next to him and really regretting the fact that he got his soul back.

Sherlock Spike:

I've never seen your brother _or_ his jacket, which in any case looks like a any other football jacket. Still, I'll deduce

 that the jacket you wear in your photograph, and the one your brother wears, are the same.

Brother:

Oh, you mean this old yet new-looking jacket? My FATHER wore it WHEN HE WAS POPULAR, then he gave it to

ME and I BECAME POPULAR, then I gave it to R. J. and SUDDENLY HE'S POPULAR AND I AM NOT. Boy, you

 could almost think this jacket HAD A MAGIC SPELL on it! Hint hint hint!

Xander and Spike take the jacket off R. J. and everything's back to normal ... whatever _that_ means. 

Audience:

Should we really see Spike's reflection in the glass? 'Cause you never see Angel's ...

Next week, **Conversations With Dead People **...

Audience:

... other than all the vampires, you mean?

Buffy has a nice chat with a vampire psychologist, while Dawn gets a _Poltergeist_!visit from Joyce.

Willow:

Not daring to use my powers for fear of turning evil again, and knowing from

experience that some of the Sunnydale monsters are immune to magic, I'm going to 

visit the completely empty library late at night.

Willow promptly meets the First Evil.

First Evil (as Cassie):

Tara says you must stop using magic.

Audience:

Isn't that "Simon says"?

Willow:

I mustn't! Giles says that if I do, I'll get Cold Turkey and ...

Audience:

*groan* GILES said that?"Magic is NOT an addiction", anyone?

First Evil (as Cassie):

Then you must kill yourself.

Willow seriously considers this.

Audience:

You know, I'm enrolling you and Xander in a course entitled "How Not To Take Advice On 

Life-Changing Decisions From Creepy Strangers With Evil Intentions". First lesson: "My Wedding And How 

Not To Leave My Bride At The Altar". Second lesson: "Why My Lover Would Not Want Me To Kill Myself".

Willow, being slightly smarter than Xander, finally catches on and confronts the First Evil, which disappears. Meanwhile, Buffy goes on to lenghtily angst about her relationship with Spike.

Audience:

*yawn* You know, if there's one thing we certainly 

don't need, it's more of that topic.

Buffy:

... and that's why I'm beneath my friends ...

Audience:

Uh, would that be the friend that left his bride at the altar and summoned a dancing demon "for fun", the friend

 that turned herself  into a vengeance demon – TWICE_,_ the friend that skinned Warren and tried 

to destroy the world, or the mass-murdering vampire friend? Just wondering ...

Andrew makes himself the last surviving member of the Troika by killing Jonathan. The episode ends with Spike biting a woman he picked up in a bar.

Audience:

What? Hold on ... is he turning evil again? How? What

about the chip and the soul? What a cliffhanger!

The trailer for the next episode follows and gives everything away.

Audience:

Oh. False scare. Never mind.

Still, **Sleeper** is much antizipated for being a – yessss, preciousssss! – Spike-centered episode.

Spike Fans Everywhere:

*swoon*

The episode starts with a Watcher coming home to his really really British house and promptly getting killed.

Deadmeat Watcher:

Blimey! And probably Bollocks too. Who spilled the Earl Grey Tea on the floor

 and got blood all over my Tweed suit?

Spike merrily goes a-serial killing, courtesy of the First Evil that apparently can override his chip. You'll never look at folk songs quite the same way after this episode. Clued in by last night's kill, Buffy and Xander discuss the possibilities.

Xander:

As someone who hates Spike and has proposed to stake him about a million times, let

me COMPLETELY OBJECTIVELY say that he is EVIL! EVIL! EVIL!

Willow and Buffy come home and find the house wrecked.

Willow and Dawn:

With no real reason and against our better judgement, let us make

vague allusions to the First Evil's messages but keep the fact that

it very obviously wants to keep us apart from our friends to ourselves.

Dawn:

Besides, it told me that Buffy doesn't really love me, and you know by now

how ready I am to believe _that_. Hey, any girl whose sister _died saving her_

would feel the same way, wouldn't she? 

Buffy:

Being a concerned Slayer, sister, guardian, and friend here, I'm not at all interested

 in finding out what the evil monster posing as my mother and claiming to carry Tara's 

message could have said to make Willow and Dawn so unhappy.

Meanwhile, deciding that Spike needs to be watched, Xander calls ...

Xander:

Hello, Anya. Since you lost your powers in "Selfless" and became immensely vulnerable, I

have completely ignored you. However, a mad serial killer is lodging at my apartment and

I need you to watch him. Don't tell him that you know.

Audience:

You know that handing a secret to Anya is as good as shouting it from your window, don't you?

Anya, who should know more about demons than anybody else, thinks it a good idea to investigate the room of a mad serial killer with supernatural senses while he's sleeping in it, searching for trophies vampires are not generally known to keep. Do I really have to point out what's wrong with this?

Anya:

Oh, hi, Spike. I thought you were sleeping, proving my complete ignorance of both vampires

and basic scripting. Anyway, after a) giving away what Xander told me not to and b) pouting

about a crazy mass murderer not wanting to sleep with me, don't let me detain you from further killings.

Spike goes and ends up killing another young woman while Buffy is trailing him (thus proving that bleached blonde is really not the best choice of hair colour if you want to covertly do evil things in the dark).

Willow:

My computer research, which lasts about a second, shows that several young women have

gone missing. Of course, this means that Spike has killed them, him being the only 

vampire and/or demon in the town that sits on the hellmouth ... oh. Wait.

Buffy confronts Spike, not getting any answers but at least alerting him to the fact that something is wrong. Going to the Bronze, he listens to Aimee Mann and stakes a vampire WITH A VERY CONVENIENT PIECE OF WOOD while the other patrons DANCE RIGHT ON, really making you wonder WHO ON EARTH WOULD CHOOSE TO HANG OUT AT THAT PLACE.

Audience:

The "one-bite stand" part must have been the worst Buffy pun 

ever, even if you include the BuffyBot's quips.

Spike calls Buffy for help, only to be confronted by the First Evil as – Spike (Version BigBad.Season2).

First Evil:

Posing as Dru might have been more effective, but

we needed less actors that way. Budgets, you know.

Spike confesses his killings, then almost bites Buffy who decides not to stake him – much to the Audience's delight, although Xander's reaction seems really really subdued for that. 

Xander:

May I remind you how quick you were to kill Anya in "Selfless"? Oh, wait, I mustn't. It's not in the script.

Buffy searches hard for a reason, any reason, to not stake Spike.

Buffy:

Uh, because with the chip he's really not a threat anymore ... Wait. That was season 4. Uh, but he helped 

us against Glory! Wait. Uh, because I'm in love with him ... not. But he's my only contact to

the mysterious being which has targeted my friend and sister already ... *shrugs* Forget it. 

You people love Marsters [Spike] and we all know it.

The episode ends with Giles, back in London, visiting his dead Watcher friend and almost getting axed for his troubles – cliffhanger ahead! Next on: Never Leave The Bloodthirsty Vampire You Keep In Your House Secured To A Flimsy Chair ... uh. **Never Leave Me**, then.

Buffy:

Let's tie my out-of-control vampire prisoner whose supernatural powers match

my own to this flimsy chair in my room, and just ignore the shackles in the basement, shall we?

Anya:

Spike must be staked.

Audience:

Says one who turns herself into a vengeance demon at the drop of a hat. Demons that kill people must be staked, right, 

Anyanka? ... Especially if they have gone through hell and high water to get their soul back, instead of just 

getting kicked out of their jobs.

Spike, meanwhile, suffers withdrawal after drinking human blood.

Buffy:

Human blood is addictive ...

Audience:

... just like magic. *groan and smack heads against walls*

Script Writer:

Okay, now Spike tells Buffy at great lenght about how evil vampires can be, because

she never met him when he was evil, or Angelus, or any really evil vampires at all ... wait. 

Buffy and Spike angst a bit more about the whole "You're attracted to abusive men" / "I only used you" / "I turn to you because I hate myself" relationship. After hearing them go on like that for the entire sixth season, it's frankly boring.

Audience:

When did Buffy & Spike turn into Buffy & Riley? That is, Buffy & A Much More Handsome Riley, but still ...

Andrew, edged on by the First-Evil-as-Warren, finds that killing a cute little pig is much harder than stabbing his friend and accomplice to death. Buying some blood, he runs into Willow and is first taken prisoner, then smacked by Anya, then nibbled by Spike. Not his day really.

Buffy:

Hey, I suddenly got shackles in my basement! Would have liked to see the faces

 of the workers when they came to fix the pipes in "Flooded" ... Not to mention what my

mum must have thought ...

Meanwhile, in London (which is in Britain! Get it?), the Watchers (who are British! Get it?) are sitting in a very very British house (did I mention it's in ... oh, never mind!). They talk for a bit, then get blown up.

Quentin Travers (Head Watcher):

Blimey. And probably Bollocks too. 

First-Evil-as-Spike makes another appearance, then calls its minions to attack Buffy's house. Since they manage to get beaten off by Xander, Dawn, Willow-not-using-magic, and Anya, they are unlikely to get the Most Fearsome Minions Award any time soon. However, as a consolation prize, they take Spike. The First Evil takes him to the pentagram where Jonathan died, now conveniently empty, and gives the female viewers a good look at Marsters shirtless. Uh, I mean, tortures him.

First Evil (as Buffy):

Blah blah and now you'll see what a _real_ vampire looks like ...

Audience:

... you vampire-impersonator, you! My vampire is much more, uh, vampiric, than you are!

The pentagram turns into a cheesy glowing special effects pyramid. Then a little green goblin appears.

Willem Dafoe, still in his _Spiderman_ costume:

_I_ was more frightening and that's not an easy feat, with a name like that! *disappears*

Audience:

Ooooh! It's almost cute! Certainly a lot less creepy than Gnarl, or Warren!

Shocked, the First Evil renounces its evil ways. Well, not. Instead it decides to ... *drum roll * ... **Bring On The Night**!

The next few episodes are frankly boring, so let's keep this short. Giles is set up as the First Evil, but it's a false scare. Dawn is set up as a Slayer Potential, but it's a false scare. Buffy's house is infested by Slayer Potentials and the First Evil has a plan to end the Slayer line by killing them all, which could work except that a) it would run completely against the series' foundation and b) they are all so annoying we couldn't care less. 

Audience (dramatic voice):  
In every generation, half a dozen or probably even more girls are born ... Nah. That just sounds wrong.

Plus, no-one ever mentions Faith and a few times it is even stated that _Buffy's_ death would lead to another calling, which is plain wrong and should be obvious to the characters, too. Oh, and Principal Wood ... well, let's just continue with **First Date**.

Wood is coming home from an evening stroll to his office on the hellmouth, a spade in one hand, a sword in another, and a dead body slung over his shoulders.

Wood:

I am obviously a good guy since no bad guy would possibly act that suspiciously.

We see that the plate on his door reads "Robin M. Wood".

Audience:

ROBIN WOOD? Bet the M stands for Marian, then.

Wood asks Buffy out on a date, which she discusses at length with Willow, taking care to mention the Boxer Rebellion that featured in _Fool for Love_. Meanwhile, Xander meets a beautiful woman that seems genuinely interested in him. Anyone surprised that she turns out to be a demon?

Wood:

I am an Afro-American in my thirties, whose Slayer mother was killed by a vampire when I was four.

The audience is already doing the maths, keeping _Fool for Love_ in mind.

Audience:

Spike was the killer.

Buffy acts completely clueless. Suddenly, Spike turns up and asks her to rescue Xander: Apparently the Seal of Danzathar is becoming a demon playground where every guest star can have a turn. We end the episode with a big revelation.

First Evil (as Wood's mum):

The killer was - *drum roll* - Spike.

Audience:

Gee, really.

Nitpicky Audience Members:

So, there were witnesses to the crime? _And_ Wood has been in Sunnydale for at least half a year, where every vampire

 knows Spike (either from his stint as a Big Bad in season 2, or because he's been killing his own kin since season 4)? _And_

Spike still looks almost the same as he did in New York? _And_ Wood already knew his name, and _still_ he couldn't figure it out?

Then there's **Bring it On**, or **Get it Done**, or some such 0815-titled episode. Buffy is having a fit of Accusing Everyone Within Reach Of Everything She Can Think Of, which she should have known since season 4 is not a good idea. Especially since Spike is among the accused.

Spike Fans in the Audience:

Just you wait, you –

Slightly More Objective Audience Members:

Come to think of it, she _is_ rather hard on the guy. He's coping pretty well, what with being newly ensouled

_and_ knowing that the First Evil can take over his body and mind any minute. People certainly cut _her_ a lot

more slack when she was whining about being alive all through season 6!

Wood:

Let me give you an emergency kit that belonged to MY SLAYER MOTHER who was KILLED

by a VAMPIRE in the SEVENTIES.

Spike:

Let me fetch my duster I took from a SLAYER whom I KILLED in the SEVENTIES.

Audience:

By now, Buffy really should put two and two together.

Buffy, meanwhile, is transferred by shadow-puppets into your standard inspirational desert and offered demonic dust by Three Wise Men. Oh, and Willow does magic and Spike gets to kick some butt and Dawn turns into Giles, suddenly speaking Ancient Sumerian and ordering everyone about. Really, it makes you wonder whether someone hired the wrong actress:

Joss Whedon:

Send this letter to Mr Head [Giles], we need him for the next episode.

Secretary:

Yes, sir. *addresses the letter to Ms Trachtenberg [Dawn]*

Or, alternatively:

Writer (defensively):

What do you mean, change the lines? I _won't_! I _like_ Ancient Sumerian! If you can't get Head,

well, that's not _my_ problem, is it?

The next episode, **Storyteller**, arrives:

Joss Whedon:

See, children? We're telling a story within a story to show you that

the story is just that, a story. The first story, I mean. But also the second one –

  
He drones on, completely oblivious to everyone taking out headphones and/or switching over to _Friends_. Meanwhile, the students at Sunnydale High are 

happily killing and maiming. Whether this is due to Hellmouth influence or just the public school system is not really explained.

Andrew:

This is the knife I killed Jonathan with. It has some strange symbols on the blade.

Anya:  
It's a demon language.

Andrew:

Gee, you're right. *proceeds to give a perfect translation after only one glance

without a moment's hesitation*

Audience:

Yeah, right. We totally believe that.

Writer (huffily):

Well it's not my fault that Giles-the-Dictionary has suddenly and inexplicably disappeared, is it?

Audience:

Uh, actually, it is.

Buffy:

Me and Andrew will try to calm the seal. Robin, you wait with Spike in a PLACE THAT PROVOKES VIOLENCE and   
DO NOT STAKE HIM even though HE KILLED YOUR MOTHER, which I really SHOULD HAVE FIGURED OUT SO LONG AGO.

Buffy frightens Andrew into crying over Jonathan's death, which calms the seal.

Audience:

Good thing the First Evil recruited a whiny loser to open the seal as opposed to, 

say, one of the really evil and remorseless vampires with whom the town is plastered.

This is followed by **Lies My Parents Told Me**, a pretty good if inaccurately titled episode (hey, Lies Spike's Mother Told Him would have been something of a giveaway).

Spontanously Popping-Up Giles:

In case you've wondered, I missed the last few eps because I,

in the middle of all this chaos, went to England to pick up a stone the size of

a small bird's egg.

Audience:

Dude, ever heard of the postal service?

Giles' magic stone is supposed to make them find the trigger used by the First Evil to mind-control Spike. After it's inserted, we watch William reading really bad poetry to his mother before turning her into a vampire, after which she starts insulting him. Spike, in the present, throws the furniture at Dawn and generally freaks out.   
Then ...

Spike:

The trick didn't work. (I'm obviously upset and secretive. Since we're talking James Marsters

here, that's VERY VERY obviously.) And nothing's wrong with me, in case anyone asks.

Buffy (totally oblivious):

You heard him, guys. He doesn't know a thing. And I'm going to release him from his

bounds 'cause really, that's the best you can do with an out-of-control mass-murdering

vampire in your basement.

Wood and Giles stay behind for a little chat, during which Giles, at the very least, proves capable of putting two and two together.

Giles:

I'm going along with your scheme to kill Spike despite it meaning that

a) our best fighter will be gone and b) I have apparently completely forgotten 

what happened the last time I betrayed Buffy's trust.

Wood, proving himself both a wimp and an idiot, takes on Spike HAND-TO-HAND and LOSES despite doing so IN A ROOM FULL OF CROSSES. Spike lets him live.

Buffy:

The next time you try, he'll kill you ... and THEN I'll make sure you're sorry.

Luckily for Wood, Slayer healing powers seem hereditary even if strenght is not. Or maybe the make-up people just forgot all his injuries by the time the next episode, **Dirty Girls**, arrived.

Really Disturbing Priest:

Call me "Creepy Asshole Lover of the Evil-as-Buffy", or C-A-L-E-B for short.

Audience:

You know, it's kind of convenient that, after all the yakking about how

you cannot fight a non-corporeal Evil, a new and very tangible Big Baddie shows up.

Caleb, a graduate of the Warren Meers Misogynistic School of Really Disturbed Men, proves to have superpowers far greater than Buffy, until he loses them because uh, it's convenient. Oh, and Faith is back, giving those viewers that don't watch _Angel_ one hell of a headache. 

Faith:

Hey, come on, this ep is called "Dirty Girls". Whom did you expect?

In a bit looking, as Dawn would say, sooooo scripted, we are treated to a little re-enacting of the Mutiny on the Bounty:

Buffy:

I'm the boss and you'll do what I say.

Slayer Potentials:

Despite not having the slightest clue of what to do, we want democracy here. Hey, why not elect   
Faith, who arrived only yesterday and has done nothing except get us into trouble

 with the authorities, as our leader?

Xander, Willow:

Despite hating Faith and going on at length about how great Buffy is, why not agree?

Buffy runs off, followed by Spike, who gives her one hell of a pep talk. Meanwhile:

Faith:

I'm the new boss and you'll do what I say.

Kennedy:

What? We wanted democracy! Hey, why not elect Willow –

Writers:

Shut up and spend some time working on your really

bad kite analogies or your non-existing chemistry with your supposed lover.

It's the last two episodes – **End of Days** and **Chosen** – and suddenly, out of the blue, Buffy finds a new uber-weapon that no-one has ever heard of.

Anya (singing):

If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning ... sorry, wrong season finale.

Faith and the girls are led into a trap by the Bringers, who at least have been considerate enough to fit their bomb with a timer, the better to allow Faith to warn the others. Meanwhile, Buffy and Giles are examining the weapon.

Giles:

This clearly looks like an axe. Let's call it a scythe.

Buffy:

THEScythe, please. With a capital S. How would THE Slayer defeat THE First Evil with a simply _scythe_?

Suddenly, out of the blue, we have Guardians in addition to Watchers and Slayers. 

Last Guardian:

I've waited a thousand years just to talk to you.

Caleb snaps her neck.

Audience:

THAT was worth her while.

Meanwhile, Willow is angsting about her dark potential. Yawn.

Giles:

The fate of the world will depend on you using magic. You're our only hope.

Audience:

Yes, because there's NO-ONE else who knows all about magic and proved

himself able to stop Evil!Willow last season, is there? Take a hint, Watcher dude!

Anya and Andrew are providing the much-needed comic relief.

Andrew:

I probably won't survive but you will.

Audience (ticking little boxes on a prepared sheet):

Andrew. Survives. Check. Anya. Dead. Check.

Angel arrives, makes fun of Spike's hair and disappears after giving Buffy an amulet and the non-_Angel_ audience another hell of a headache. Suddenly, out of the blue, Buffy finds out how to defeat the Evil by something that has never been considered possible.

Joss Whedon (to the other writers):

What do you mean, you forgot to mention the Scythe, the Guardians,

and the possibility to empower all the Slayer Potentials in the previous episodes?

Buffy kills Caleb with the Scythe and a really bad pun before holding an equally bad speech about girl power. Uh, I mean, Slayer power.

Joss Whedon:

You got it! And don't forget, "magic" means "drugs" and –

Willow is doing the spell and suddenly all of the Slayers are kicking ubervamp butt left and right, despite the fact that it took Buffy, who has A LOT MORE EXPERIENCE THAN ANY OF THEM, about HALF AN HOUR to finish ONE off and then she was IN NO SHAPE to TAKE ON ANOTHER ONE.

Willow:

Groovy.

Audience:

*groan*

Spike saves the world by destroying the hellmouth and Sunnydale. All in all, it seems a good thing that no-one believed in Buffy enough to wait for her to win. Oh, and Anya dies and so does Spike, but that's hardly as important as the question of which mall to go to, is it?

Nitpicky Audience Members:

Hold on, what about all the loose plot threads? Was it Joyce that visited Dawn or was it the 

First Evil? And why did Amy know about Kennedy being a Potential, and how did –

Joss Whedon:

Forget it, guys. Let it go. It's just a TV show. It's not real. It's –

The camera pans away from him, revealing him to be standing right in front of the surviving heroes, none of whom can see him. Suddenly, he turns into the Evil-as-Buffy.

The Evil-as-Buffy:

– it's all about power.

Love it? Hate it? R&R!


End file.
